Acrophobia Down

~ Lately I have noticed my fear of heights has dissipated some. At first i thought this was odd but after considering it, I believe that Yoga, once again, is to thank for this. It has given me a feeling of being more grounded. More sure of my own balance, both inward and outward. More sure of my own step. I am appreciative. ~

Simple Love Story

I no longer recognize myself.
I no longer recognize my calves or my toes.
I no longer recognize my head or my breasts.
Or maybe it goes...
I finally recognize my self.
I finally recognize my calves and my toes.
I finally recognize my head and my breasts.
I finally said hello to me
and maybe... 
I liked what I saw
and on my yoga mat
I fell in love with me

til we meet again

~Who are we to judge a life's higher purpose? We as a society are governed by man made laws, judges and jurors who do not even have sit on the bench to reach a verdict. We are governed by our media, our politicians and our emotions. The spiritual and mystical realms are not governed by these things and we often find them scary and harsh. But often the things we deem as tragic endings can be, in actuality, beautiful new beginnings for those involved.~

Much love and positive memories,
Til we meet again, friend.

Mindy

The poems from the past few days are simply my process to understanding a friends suicide. They are in no way a reflection of how I feel about my personal situation. In fact this process of creative madness has indeed helped deal with this news in a constructive way versus my usual, shutting down.
Thank you
Min

Dead pools of black iris'

Dead pools of black iris
swimming lifeless in a soulless gaze
a mediocre daydream
that bore no ripple
across the glassy phase
those eyes
they called out in need
to save a little face
don't worry baby
I'll be your dark angel
I am your saving grace
A one way ticket home
on a hell train
outta this place
you can thank me on the other side
Now you lie back
and lean on me babe
and in a dark heart, artistic slumber
you'll move on
and I'll fade away

Baby rode side car
she was already damned
with flames of molten love stained wounds
demons in bottles
that stood in her stead
One pistol shot
and a thousand holes of suicide
residing in your head
There's your ticket mam
One free ride
to the other side
Beneath a pretty willow
slide back into your wedding band
Arm in Arm
with your vessel watching
go be with your man
for on this earth
your lover knew
that you were already dead

I open my eyes
to Truth in the Morning
the Sun of the Son
Dressed up as Death and Rebirth
Disguised as Love
A Sleepless nights' bad Dream
is Not always a warning
and death, though sad
not always for Mourning
sometimes
it's an Expression of a Means
of something much more profound
a secret that Lies between
a  magical meditation
between Lovers
in Two Separate worlds
with misunderstood Needs
But the Sun
is always There
to guide Lovers home
and Bad dreams
are just Truths
making themselves known
there will always be
a vicious Assumption
that bears death's door
but the candle
in That window
was there long before
and it burned beautiful flames 
of molten hot love
and still Flickers in death
the truth between two Souls
Two energies
intertwined forevermore

heartbreak

~ Sometimes a Loves support only goes as far as the situations convenience in their life. Their doubts become your doubts. Their fears become your fears. I have a lot of strength to get back now. I have a lot more soul searching to do. I will find the answers on my mat. I hope they work for all but I must be true to me right now. I have always been true to Love and supportive of decisions made. I have the worst feeling in my gut about this. Is that feeling really mine or just my emotional manifestation of his fear? ~

Your Masterpiece

~ Imagine yourself stepping into a blank canvas. Step by step your thoughts form the painted world in which you roam. We create that which we find our mind lurking in. What does the masterpiece you're walking in look like? Is it one you want to hang on your wall? ~

Misery to True Love and never back again....

~ I use to blame others for my misery. Pointing my finger in their direction because they did not accept me as i was, they could not love me as I was or they did not understand me as I was. The truth of it: there was NEVER anyone else to blame for my misery. I never loved me. I never loved me because I did not know me. I did not know me because I never took the time to get to know me, therefore I NEVER understood me. Since I did not understand myself, it was impossible for me to accept myself. I still struggle. I believe it will always be so for admittedly imperfect people. If perfection were so easy, peace would be already a mainstay in this world. It is in fighting through imperfection that I have now discovered me. Discovered my weaknesses. My strengths. It is in fighting through imperfection that I discovered and got to know the darkness that resides in my heart. It is in fighting through imperfection that I discovered Love. True Love. Of me. Of the divine. Of others.~

Not sure why but sure of the way

~ I no longer remember what brought me to Yoga. A need to control the chaos in my bipolar mind I think but I am honestly just not sure. I was ready. I was ready to embrace my breath. I was ready to embrace the strength I had hidden deep inside, that which may chase the darkness of my brain away. I met a woman residing in my soul where as I rarely even felt human before. Now there are so many processes going on in my mind and in my spirit, I can't keep up with all of them. Some I post here, most I keep for me. Some are happy, almost common sense type awakenings, that leave me wondering why I never understood before. Others, they take you there. Down into the darkness of your heart and your memory. They dissect you and pull out the bad, transform it into a positive and throw it to the wind like celebration confetti. Wherever the pieces of your soul land, let them do as they may. I now know my way and for once it is a well lit path for me and not full of doubts, questions or fear but excitement, love, peace and an honoring of myself...because I deserve it.~

The things I already knew

~ It amazes me how much I am learning from myself. Every time I sit in the quietness of my own mind and listen, I discover something new. There are so many things that I just did not realize I already knew and understood. Probably because I just never bothered to discuss it with myself before.~

My son's sweet voice and a moments lesson

    ~ This week I got to hear my son say " Yoga". He is five and this should not be a big deal but he has been slow to develop his speech. For two years we have taken him to therapy twice a week and just in the past 5 months he has made a real turnaround. Granted " Yoga" is not a hard word to repeat but at that moment, as he came in the room and threw his dads Yoga mat in the floor beside mine and said " Mommy, I do Yoga on my Yoga mat! and preceded to do just that. I was a proud, proud momma! 
    Later on, thinking on those five minutes he was on that mat, I realized that this was the most important gift/lesson I could possibly give my son. No matter what happens in his life, if he takes it to his mat, I know he's going to be okay. It will give him stability and balance in all areas of his life. It will help him through school, in his career and relationships. It will guide him in political and spiritual decisions and bring him to the best possible option for him. Though it may not have been the toughest or the longest word for him to say, it is by far one of the most important.
     All of this has only strengthened my resolve to to go through teacher training. I now realize this is a much further reaching process than I ever imagined 8 months ago. ~ 

Stillborn

Stillborn

Stillborn

In memory

The streets of gold began to crumble

beneath the feet of would be mothers

on their backs they carry dolls

sporting masks of former lovers

of the gods and demigods

they gather with them all

open up their peasants robes

and to the street

they let them fall

And there in crumbled golden streets

All the would be mothers weep

Their sex is lying at their feet

Their wombs just sacrificial meat

and they inhale...

all together their last breath
all together say their prayer
and all together they will sleep
and die down in a childless dream

The Obsessive Mind

In a flood 
like a rush 
they wash over me
those thought provoking emotions 
that take me back decades
giving it to me in spades
these visions
this pain
Nonsense
it doesn't make any
the words are indiscernible 
but the intent is there
Some of us are just not born to be glorious
we live our lives sad and furious
in a pathetic attempt to play the game 
in the world that “Normal” created
a place where we are truly demeaned 
often misunderstood
and sometimes hated,
mostly by ourselves.
And we go on, 
and we go on
and we go on
by ourselves

Lessons in my head

Me:  "What is wrong child? Why do you cry?"

Me:  "oh, you know, the usual, self loathing and parental guilt."

Me:  "And why do you self loath? Why do you live in guilt?"

Me:  "Because I must tell my children no a lot and I can not give them all the things I want them to have."

Me:  "and why is it, to you, more important to teach them to self loath and to live in their guilt than to teach them the value of a "no" and the art of being truly happy with what they already have?"

~ 6 weeks without yoga seemed to undo all the things that 3 months of practicing Yoga had repaired. My body, my mental state...it all deteriorated so quickly. 25 minutes of Yoga last night was Heaven! It is as I had thought, I simply can not survive...can not live without Yoga being a integral part of my being.~ 

Not had time

    ~ We have been so busy, I have not had any time to write. Several thoughts I would have loved to have put down in my blog but I never got around to writing them down and just do not remember them now. That is life and the essence of it is family. Since I have been very busy with my family, I refuse to feel guilty about dropping the ball in other areas. I must put that in here to remind myself for I am a very guilt driven creature and If I can squeeze an ounce of it out of a moment I will feed on it like crack. ~
     

Our Noble Children

~ We are all born of this world noble, working hard to become servile. Not servile to our own personal growth by selflessly helping others but servile to corporations so that we can receive our necessities. At five my son understands nobility and the basic human level that it operates on. He understands the benefits of helping others selflessly. That reaching over and helping mommy make the bed puts a smile on her face therefore a big smile on his. In a few years, without a change on my part, he would have learned to whine about having to choose between himself and others. I vow to try to live my life like a five year old. Fearlessly, Selflessly, Imaginatively, Worry Free and Nobly! In giving myself up to a truly servile role in this world, maybe I too will be as noble as he. As noble as I once was. ~

All My Answers

~ During yoga the other night, I realized that it is only ego that keeps me here. Here, posting in such a public forum. Should I stay or Should I go? For two days I thought about it and decided I'm staying here. I will disconnect from facebook but google + has a different place in my life. A place where I come to connect with others who love Yoga. I connect with Yoga teachers here or people like me who have teaching as a eventual goal. It gives me a community feeling that I need while I work on my practice and myself. I do not get these things in my physical realm at the moment. As I type this it occurs to me that this also is something I need to ponder. I need to find other yogis in my physical world to connect with. This has been on my heart all week. I will Take It To My Mat. All the answers lie hidden there. ~

Social

~ The other day after reading a facebook posting and having a very angry reaction, I realized, again, that facebook is bad for me. I am disconnected from those that I love, never seeing them and keeping up with my friends lives through social media. That's widely accepted but to me, not acceptable. I need to disconnect to reconnect. I will implement this on June 1st when we move home. I am torn about my blog. This takes a little more thought.~

Tree to Life Translation Part 2

~ This morning I walked in front of my bedroom mirror and as I passed I snuck a side look at myself. I thought I was standing upright but I was instead leaning forward about an inch and a half at the ankle. My weight was all rested on my toes. I took a minute to refocus and take this in, then adjusted to center my weight, straiten my ankles, root in my toes and my mind once again trailed off into Tree Pose. Suddenly I understood the thing I was not getting the week before.
    You see, this week I have spent my time putting out small fires that seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Mercury in retrograde inside my sign coupled with the new moon, has not been easy for me. I have dodged one disaster after another but I managed. I moved, I swayed and I went with the wind, like a tree. I came out leaning but I remained standing. Two months ago I would have broken under the pressure of this week.
     Tree Pose teaches us so much more than balance. It teaches us that when balance seems impossible, sway. Move and dance with the momentum that chaos provides. Keep your movements fluid and your spine sturdy but limber and adjustable. Controlled and calm we face the wind. A beautiful Tree to Life Translation and a beautiful moment it gave to me, once I understood. ~

Tree to Life Translation Part 1

~ Consistently, I have the most trouble with balance poses such as Tree Pose. My foot is dug into my mat: My toes reach out like roots into the ground. I may move and sway on my left leg but I remain standing and sturdy. Then on my right side, I repeatedly tumble from position or vise versa. This is my way of life also. Stretching myself thin is never an issue but I consistently have trouble balancing the things and people I love with each other and with the responsibilities I must maintain. I thought about this in relation to Tree Pose for a week.~

The Circle Of My Life

~ The more I do Yoga, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the better I feel. The better I feel, the more of my "To Do" list I get done. The more of my " To Do" list I get done, the more Clutter Clearing I do. The more Clutter Clearing I get done, the more Yoga I feel like doing. The more Yoga I do, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the better I feel... ~
                                   

 ~ This is my Circle Of Life. ~

Yoga and Prayer

~ Yoga can be the bridge between your prayers and God. We hear answers to our prayers and wishes, wants and needs at all hours, on any given day. The problem is in western culture we are not taught to shut up. Our minds always going, even when our mouths are not. How do you expect to hear the answer if you never shut up long enough. Yoga quiets you. Calms your heart, quiets your mind, relaxes your muscles and opens your "knowing" force. That which you did not understand, you suddenly do. Answers from God. Answers from the Universe. ~

At home

~ I feel like the weirdest in my family most of the time but I am always at home with my mom and dad. Love is suppose to to be easy between a parent and child. As with any relationship, it is all about respect. Respect lets love come easy. ~

A Timid Day

~ "Courage! Muster up! We got work to do" ~

Change

~ There is nothing more scary than the commitment to change. There is nothing more exciting than the anticipation of the product of change. There is nothing more peaceful than accepting the outcome of change. There is nothing more rewarding than repeating the process! ~


just after publishing this post I found this article. Just thought I would share it. 5 Ways to Create Lasting Change

The Wrong Way

~ We know when we are not doing what we should in life. There is a perpetual feeling of something being out of place. It feels a lot like guilt in the pit of your stomach but whispers a constant nag in your ear " You're Going The Wrong Way!" ~

Time and Place

   ~ There are often times I feel hurried without reason. I feel rushed towards completion of..what? I forget that Life is on an individual basis. All your goals, dreams even the situations or conditions you find yourself in are like people and there is no preset progression rate. All things are in a constant state of transition, therefore we can do things here and there that help things along but we can not force something to happen that the universe isn't ready for. God put us in rhythm with his stars and planets for a reason. We do not get to argue with time and place. ~

Break Down, Rebuild

~ Several times a week my husband and I do yoga side by side. I am amazed everyday at the difference in our marriage. This is the one completely unexpected transformation. Our relationship is respectful, loving, adoring and understanding. These are the ties that keep us together. The bond we have now is on such a new level for us. A spiritual level. Now, we are stronger together and working well as a team. We are complete opposites on everything so this is a whole new way of operating for us. They say Yoga actually means annihilator because it breaks down and builds back up. I would say this is especially true for my marriage. Where as I use to think we were just hanging on for the children's sake, I now know that we just had to "break down and rebuild" because I believe individually and as a couple we are both just meant for bigger things.~

Eat, Breathe and sleep

~ I could eat, breathe and sleep yoga. Anything that gives me a positive feeling, I will do upon my mat. My soul is soaring, my spirit has lifted towards the sun. I am complete. A whole person versus one with holes to fill. I am constantly amazed by my world, my family, my body, my mind, my strength, my power, my fight, my fury, my control, my beauty, my relationships, my love, my abundance and my peace. All of this I have back because of yoga. I believe we were handed yoga as a direct call line to the divine spirit each of us seek and I have tapped into mine. ~


http://www.seanecorn.com/

Understanding

~ With each day I understand a little more how my body should move or sit in a pose. With this information, everyday I understand a little more about how I move or stagnate in this life and world. ~

Rescued

From within

a Warrior emerged

and she now stands tall

strong and fearless

a victor

above a field of my dead demons.

my sins 

were just her stepping stones

to my atonement

Without them

we would be beat

For I was drowning in darkness

beneath the demon army

Having just fell

upon my sword of defeat.

Contentment

~ Discontentment spreads. When you feel discontent about one thing in your life that discontentment will spread like a wild fire and ravage your soul. It will suffocate the contentment you have in other areas. I hope I still have enough time to teach my daughter this. No matter what, cultivate the things you are content with and just let go of the others. With a positive spirit, you can sit back and relax and watch the universe unfold your wants before you like the red carpet. ~

Sunday Brunch

More Sunday Jazz

while we cook a quiche

and slow dance in the kitchen

Nothing makes these changes

more worth while

than the sound of your laugh

 the sight of your smile

and a whispered

" I love you so much"

in my ear

See, I will show you baby

This is gonna be our year!

No apology necessary

     I had someone apologize to me for using a "God" reference the other day and it has bothered me so bad. I never meant to give anyone the impression that I do not believe in God, so I wanted to post this just to get it out there. We are ALL spiritual beings. I walk out into the full moon light, gaze up at the stars and the vastness of this Universe and I am truly moved. I am amazed at it all and how much energy that resides in us and in the atmosphere. As I do this, I feel a connection to "GOD". I will stand upon my Yoga mat and think about a particular thing that is bothering me or a person I love who needs positive thoughts, well wishes or prayers and I will do my yoga routine with THAT in mind. This is my prayer. Please do not misinterpret, I have felt true spirit move inside a church and it is an amazing moment where the souls of all conjoin and feel at the same time. However, in my experience, letting other people into my spiritual realm just mucks up the works and brings in too many opinions and variables. I trust myself and I am confident in my love, spirit and belief that A divine being is out there and that a part of it resides inside me. We are not any different, you and I. Spiritual beings residing in a land where religion is abundant but spirituality is not. How we choose to evolve past the thought process of that spirituality is our own decision. A beautiful blessed decision I hope ALL of you take seriously. I am simply glad you believe, it does not matter to me the "what". Religion as whole can be and often is a wondrous journey for us all so please, no matter what, DO NOT APOLOGIZE for your belief. Do not apologize for your spirituality. I have no need to apologize and neither do you, beautiful soul! 

In memory and heart

    In the vastness of this universe, we are nothing. Nothing new or nothing special. Our children and the power of creation help make us something. Life has new meaning when they are conceived and then a new purpose as they are born. We are protectors of the future. What a powerful feeling, right? That we should have an honor such as this bestowed upon us? This beautiful, tiny, and spiritual being is possessed of goodness and has greatness pumping through it's heart from just being born and it is in our protection for life! It is amazing. But what if that spirit is cut short? What purpose are we if we have failed in our protection?
    Thirteen years ago on this day I checked myself into the hospital to give birth. A beautiful little girl whose spirit had already moved on.  Two days before she had stopped moving. As her mother and protector I already knew in my heart. I knew something was so terribly wrong with my baby girl. Oh gosh, I was so scared, but I waited. Partly out of hope but mostly out of fear, I waited. Two days later I called my Doctor. I watched that ultrasound hoping and praying for any little movement. The stillness in my womb was my death. I was seven and a half months pregnant and baby Heather had gotten a kink in her umbilical cord. I was a failed protector and even worse, a bad mother. At least, at the time that is how I felt. It took me years to stop blaming myself, as I believe it would anyone. 
    People always say, "oh you lost a child? That is so unfair. I am so sorry that happened to you".  But loss is unfair. The pain of losing my daughter is not any different than my sister's pain from losing her father in law. When energy moves on, you feel a void. Pain does not know circumstance or relation. It only knows itself. 
    Of course, I now realize that what I did was a beautiful thing. My child was a sacrifice to this universe. Her soul was released so that maybe someone else's child could get one. That may sound a little cruel directly after such an event but in hindsight, I was strong enough to survive it. Another mother may not have been. 

    So in memory of

Heather Fiona MacDaniel

Feb 22nd 2000

          

    

   Please forgive me, this was not suppose to have been my first blog entry. This subject tends to upset others and I really want this blog to exude happiness out to all of you, so please note that this is no longer a depressing memory for me. It was a sad and heartbreaking moment but it was also surreal, beautiful and ethereal.