In memory and heart

    In the vastness of this universe, we are nothing. Nothing new or nothing special. Our children and the power of creation help make us something. Life has new meaning when they are conceived and then a new purpose as they are born. We are protectors of the future. What a powerful feeling, right? That we should have an honor such as this bestowed upon us? This beautiful, tiny, and spiritual being is possessed of goodness and has greatness pumping through it's heart from just being born and it is in our protection for life! It is amazing. But what if that spirit is cut short? What purpose are we if we have failed in our protection?
    Thirteen years ago on this day I checked myself into the hospital to give birth. A beautiful little girl whose spirit had already moved on.  Two days before she had stopped moving. As her mother and protector I already knew in my heart. I knew something was so terribly wrong with my baby girl. Oh gosh, I was so scared, but I waited. Partly out of hope but mostly out of fear, I waited. Two days later I called my Doctor. I watched that ultrasound hoping and praying for any little movement. The stillness in my womb was my death. I was seven and a half months pregnant and baby Heather had gotten a kink in her umbilical cord. I was a failed protector and even worse, a bad mother. At least, at the time that is how I felt. It took me years to stop blaming myself, as I believe it would anyone. 
    People always say, "oh you lost a child? That is so unfair. I am so sorry that happened to you".  But loss is unfair. The pain of losing my daughter is not any different than my sister's pain from losing her father in law. When energy moves on, you feel a void. Pain does not know circumstance or relation. It only knows itself. 
    Of course, I now realize that what I did was a beautiful thing. My child was a sacrifice to this universe. Her soul was released so that maybe someone else's child could get one. That may sound a little cruel directly after such an event but in hindsight, I was strong enough to survive it. Another mother may not have been. 

    So in memory of

Heather Fiona MacDaniel

Feb 22nd 2000

          

    

   Please forgive me, this was not suppose to have been my first blog entry. This subject tends to upset others and I really want this blog to exude happiness out to all of you, so please note that this is no longer a depressing memory for me. It was a sad and heartbreaking moment but it was also surreal, beautiful and ethereal.