Ally McBeal and enhanced meditative state

~ in the past few weeks I had experienced a bit of stress over my Yoga practice. I was plagued with excuses not to practice then when opportunity was handed to me, I would not be able to focus. I found more and more I was watching TV while practicing. At first I was distraught by it. How could I? Yoga has always been a spiritual practice for me so it can't possibly be okay to watch TV in the midst of it, can it? Also, I suddenly can't get fifteen minutes into a practice in solitude but I manage to practice for hours in front of the TV. The guilt killed me for a few days but my experience has been that nothing in Yoga is simply nothing and I must look for the reason in it. It took only until my next Ally McBeal Yoga Practice before the answer was revealed. Once again, the past weeks had given me very important lessons and skills that I was unaware of. I realized on my mat that afternoon, I was easily keeping up with the show, locking into my breath and keeping a good focus on my pose too. I was not only doing more than one thing at that moment, I was doing three things in a single moment and doing them all very well. My mind was handling the processes it was taking to get there and I was not crumbling under the pressure of multiple responsibilities. Today when I hit my mat for a quiet deep practice, that is what I got out of it, with a deeper meditation than I have ever accomplished. ~

Just five days of moments.....

~ The last five days have left me speechless in so many ways. Five days ago or so, I gave up on facebook and other than sending a few messages, I have lived up to that. These are the things life has given me. Little gifts that have been handed over simply for living.

Spending a single hour in the snow building a snowman with my son.

Having a long lost friend pop up; after seventeen years. She wouldn't have had I not been outside. Finding out life has not been all that different for the two of us and now we are in similar places.

Bipolar mood swings and painful memories lead for interesting days that leave me drained but grateful for both pain and for numbness.

I watched as my daughter pulled a decent and strong research paper from within her. She struggled through like a champ, having no breakdowns and with smiles for both of us. That look of pride she had on her face was worth every second.

I accidentally died my hair purple. (oops) I forgot to account for being a blonde base now as opposed to the brown base a year ago.

I realized some exes you will never shake. You have always covered for them and tried to remind people there might still be reasons to believe in them. You have always given them the benefit of the doubt , long after they stopped deserving it. and one day you will be there to attend their deathbed. If you are not there, who will be? They have hurt so many that they tend to find themselves alone most of the time and letting someone die alone is not your style.

I love sitting among the cedars behind the house and the moss that grows along there is real thick and soft and it makes a lovely blanket to sit on.

 I realized that You must remind yourself occasionally of why an ex lover ever became a lover in the first place and stop reminding yourself of why they are now an ex.

I must think positively of those I can not speak to but not dwell on what keeps us apart.

As a writer (always at heart if not always by practice) sometimes I exhale into a character that is so raw that she scares me. I know that if my courage would hold out for a little longer, she would be my star  but the realism of the moment leaves me haunted and frightened of returning there.

Every time I fall off my Yoga mat I take a tumble in life too. I always go running back to Yoga and it has became so important for me to make sure my daughter sees me get to Kripalu.

I can't possibly quit smiling after writing this piece. ~

Ode to you....

I could have climbed you like a tree

and ate your face for dinner

The heart of a Buddhist

but the soul of a sinner

and survival is instinct

don't blink

and DONT hesitate to pull the trigger

Mockery, the tongue of fools

makes you stand, all ego

and claim your stick is bigger

may-be, baby

but tonight

my hatred is the winner

I want your face on that plate

where your mocking smile may linger.

and from behind empty eyes

A salute to you, my middle finger.

yesterday, very unexpectedly, my daughter looks at me and...
"mom"
What, baby"
" I love you"
and tonight I hug my son and hear " I love you mommy"

I could go to my grave after hearing those words from my children's mouth. Now maybe that is a morbid thought but it is a morbid world we live in. We are never granted another moment, let alone a day and my children's voices are sweeter than the sound of angels singing to me.

I believe God is an energy that surrounds us in our everyday moments. I send up thank you's, hopes, wishes, desires and a few kudos all throughout my day. I no longer feel the need to lay down at night and say a thirty minute prayer reiterating things I have already said. Last night was different. With a heavy heart and a very saturated soul I laid down and decided to pray. Just as I used to do, I started
"dear Lord, been a while (okay, so im a little rusty at it) but Im here. You know my beliefs have changed a bit but not my belief in you. I just don't feel the need for a one on one conversation with you right now...."
and it came like a shot in the dark, a voice saying
" because it is your time to listen, not your time to talk"

Thinking about this conversation today, I realize god wasn't just talking about himself here. Im so caught up on the internal, I have trouble paying attention to anything external. He's right, It is my time to shut up and listen. <bites tongue until it bleeds>

First Times

~ This is the first time I have looked out over this chasm of fear and doubt. The first time I have watched it fade into open air, sky and clouds. I have reached out my arms to soar and for the first time instead of scuttling on dead space to restore my grasp on life as it always has been, I dove towards Life as I want it to be. This is the first time I have not feared that I jumped out too far but instead asked myself  " Did I jump far enough?" Life is Good. ~

Acrophobia Down

~ Lately I have noticed my fear of heights has dissipated some. At first i thought this was odd but after considering it, I believe that Yoga, once again, is to thank for this. It has given me a feeling of being more grounded. More sure of my own balance, both inward and outward. More sure of my own step. I am appreciative. ~

Simple Love Story

I no longer recognize myself.
I no longer recognize my calves or my toes.
I no longer recognize my head or my breasts.
Or maybe it goes...
I finally recognize my self.
I finally recognize my calves and my toes.
I finally recognize my head and my breasts.
I finally said hello to me
and maybe... 
I liked what I saw
and on my yoga mat
I fell in love with me

til we meet again

~Who are we to judge a life's higher purpose? We as a society are governed by man made laws, judges and jurors who do not even have sit on the bench to reach a verdict. We are governed by our media, our politicians and our emotions. The spiritual and mystical realms are not governed by these things and we often find them scary and harsh. But often the things we deem as tragic endings can be, in actuality, beautiful new beginnings for those involved.~

Much love and positive memories,
Til we meet again, friend.

Mindy

The poems from the past few days are simply my process to understanding a friends suicide. They are in no way a reflection of how I feel about my personal situation. In fact this process of creative madness has indeed helped deal with this news in a constructive way versus my usual, shutting down.
Thank you
Min

Dead pools of black iris'

Dead pools of black iris
swimming lifeless in a soulless gaze
a mediocre daydream
that bore no ripple
across the glassy phase
those eyes
they called out in need
to save a little face
don't worry baby
I'll be your dark angel
I am your saving grace
A one way ticket home
on a hell train
outta this place
you can thank me on the other side
Now you lie back
and lean on me babe
and in a dark heart, artistic slumber
you'll move on
and I'll fade away

Baby rode side car
she was already damned
with flames of molten love stained wounds
demons in bottles
that stood in her stead
One pistol shot
and a thousand holes of suicide
residing in your head
There's your ticket mam
One free ride
to the other side
Beneath a pretty willow
slide back into your wedding band
Arm in Arm
with your vessel watching
go be with your man
for on this earth
your lover knew
that you were already dead

I open my eyes
to Truth in the Morning
the Sun of the Son
Dressed up as Death and Rebirth
Disguised as Love
A Sleepless nights' bad Dream
is Not always a warning
and death, though sad
not always for Mourning
sometimes
it's an Expression of a Means
of something much more profound
a secret that Lies between
a  magical meditation
between Lovers
in Two Separate worlds
with misunderstood Needs
But the Sun
is always There
to guide Lovers home
and Bad dreams
are just Truths
making themselves known
there will always be
a vicious Assumption
that bears death's door
but the candle
in That window
was there long before
and it burned beautiful flames 
of molten hot love
and still Flickers in death
the truth between two Souls
Two energies
intertwined forevermore

heartbreak

~ Sometimes a Loves support only goes as far as the situations convenience in their life. Their doubts become your doubts. Their fears become your fears. I have a lot of strength to get back now. I have a lot more soul searching to do. I will find the answers on my mat. I hope they work for all but I must be true to me right now. I have always been true to Love and supportive of decisions made. I have the worst feeling in my gut about this. Is that feeling really mine or just my emotional manifestation of his fear? ~

Your Masterpiece

~ Imagine yourself stepping into a blank canvas. Step by step your thoughts form the painted world in which you roam. We create that which we find our mind lurking in. What does the masterpiece you're walking in look like? Is it one you want to hang on your wall? ~