Composition

Slide your finger tips
across my strings
slip, slide down
into the sacrificial sanctuary
of my senses
I'm tuned in
to the strumming
- of my sexuality
it's strength is beating
competing
with the pounding
of my fool's heart
on all sides of this instrument
and you can create
and play
slow -steady-chords
that leave your fingers
itching and twitching
for more
 more of my skin
beneath their callused tips
or do you go for
fast heady sessions
that leave you bruised
and begging, begging for me
and squeeze
tighter
and hold onto your insides
but please, oh please
let your senses lead
the ride
and work this carnal composition
until your satisfied.
and finished.

Strange Hypnotic Notes are lulling my brain 

into cruise control

When all it want

is to hold onto this anger

and play in my rage like a child in a puddle

but instead, I huddle in this corner chair

Duct taping my mouth

and not saying how I feel

until, inhale.1..2..3..exhale, 

until the moment has passed

the anger is gone

calmness takes over

and I don't dislike you anymore.

I offer you a trade

for days now I have been asking " God, where is my strength? Where has my fight gone?" and for days he has whispered the answer in my ear. I found it just where he said I would and just where I left it, on my Yoga mat. On my Yoga Mat I connected with my brutal warrior and let God have my fears.

bow before your executioner
let him take out your heart
daddy issues, brother saves
and now your love falls apart.
You would have rolled into your grave
bearing witness from the start
in his eyes 
where cruelty lies
vying for the mark
Take aim
with your words
shoot an arrow
or a spark
light the fire
that destroys control
and lights up the dark

Manipulation, stalking and abuse 101

~ Im writing everything down. Mainly to process the memories and begin to heal. The other night I sat down pen to paper and scene by scene, i wrote down the first fourteen months or so that I knew him. It went from our first meeting and included all the "bad moments" through the very beginning of our time together.
I went back and read it and there it was in black and white....It read like a textbook on manipulation. Manipulation, stalking and abuse 101. I felt sad. I felt angry too but I felt more sad. How could that seventeen year old version of me NOT see it? How could I let myself live with the things that he did? Im even more disgusted by my answer to both of those.......Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of failure. Take your pick. It ruled my life for a long time. I call the writings " the Gross Notes" for they often make me want to vomit. ~

Little Girl Lost

little girl lost
in the dark and long ago
left with the monsters
under her bed
or maybe they were in it
and she screamed
but there was no answer
so in her silence she became a neurotic
a quiet neurotic
with silent addictions
and vocal admissions
that were too much for her mother's ears
that fed her father’s fears
and all fell upon
the deafness of her families ears
so she sat
and she twiddled her thumbs for control
and she vomited the anxiety from her gut
claiming ‘a flu”
but she knew
the monsters were calling
and even if sleep came
they would still be waiting
in the morning
sitting upon wet grass
to greet her with the morning dew
and at night in the mornings stead
they would be there
lurking in her bed
and before long
she was no longer
that little girl lost
she was
a little girl gone
no longer visible in normalcy
but lost, taken over
now belonging to OCD

A reminder of Loves

you know what i love?

IVY- for teaching me about so many things. QUINTON - for being my light in the darkness and pulling me out. DOUG-for being my ROCK.YOGA. My Yoga Logo at the top of this page. the fact that I drew that tree. jasmin tea and earl grey tea. the sound of a river or stream. a fountain will do nicely too. the smell of honeysuckle. to look at the stars. to finish a cardio work out.coffee. fresh foods. sugar. daisies. accomplishment. smiles from the eyes - you know those are real.  I Love the act of loving. mustachio cat. meso cat. writing. writing it all out and getting it right. animal crossing the game. colors. colors, colors and more colors. My MOM. giving birth. being mom. cooking a really healthy meal. Talking to old friends. meeting a new friend. having a REAL friendship full of RESPECT with my 16 year old daughter. MY DAD. MY SISTER. Being creative. Making things with my hands. being open to the many possibilities of this magnificent universe. Maple Trees. MY BROTHER. MY IN LAWS- each are their very own wonderfully fabulous person to me. My girl friends. Having a therapist. being surrounded by green. staring up at the stars. remembering how very special my bond with my husband is. Kindred Spirits, hiking. camping in comfortable weather. fishing. planting flowers. searching for four leaf clovers. listening to MUSIC. the old way my dad would bar-b-q his chicken. what zen leaves you with. pop ice in the summer. fruit snacks anytime. The MAGIC of CHRISTMAS. Willow Trees.Twinkle lights. My friend Joe Goodman -because he is a big ol bundle of awesome. Seeing people make awesome changes in their lives. my friend Jessica Fisher Ritch received positive news. Lillie Miller Nestor is so pleased with her new job. Deanna Weeks McKinney-You are BEAUTIFUL and my number two rock. meeting someone new and shaking hands with their soul. believing in peace, love and happiness. the power to heal and hold my head up high because you did not break me.

Little Girls Demons

Year by year it crumbles

until

one stone by one stone

it all tumbles 

d

  o

    w

      n

into a beautiful little girls frown

and the smile

that once radiated life

will be hidden within Pandora's box

and protected by demons

of the little girl's mind

Understood

Yesterday someone asked "where is that fear really coming from?"
Today, during Yoga I understood.
"You do not fear another person, you fear yourself. Or at least a part of yourself. The part of you that someone else helped create and that they pull out to toss at you when convenient for them. A darker uglier part of you but THAT is who you were in that moment and that moment passed long ago. 
So again I ask you where is that fear coming from? You acknowledge and accept these sides of you. You put a conscious effort into being better than those sides of you and you are vocal to others about your battle, because without that there would be no accountability on your part. 
Little girl, you have nothing to fear from yourself except a lack of self because that is what your fear is feeding off of......"

Ally McBeal and enhanced meditative state

~ in the past few weeks I had experienced a bit of stress over my Yoga practice. I was plagued with excuses not to practice then when opportunity was handed to me, I would not be able to focus. I found more and more I was watching TV while practicing. At first I was distraught by it. How could I? Yoga has always been a spiritual practice for me so it can't possibly be okay to watch TV in the midst of it, can it? Also, I suddenly can't get fifteen minutes into a practice in solitude but I manage to practice for hours in front of the TV. The guilt killed me for a few days but my experience has been that nothing in Yoga is simply nothing and I must look for the reason in it. It took only until my next Ally McBeal Yoga Practice before the answer was revealed. Once again, the past weeks had given me very important lessons and skills that I was unaware of. I realized on my mat that afternoon, I was easily keeping up with the show, locking into my breath and keeping a good focus on my pose too. I was not only doing more than one thing at that moment, I was doing three things in a single moment and doing them all very well. My mind was handling the processes it was taking to get there and I was not crumbling under the pressure of multiple responsibilities. Today when I hit my mat for a quiet deep practice, that is what I got out of it, with a deeper meditation than I have ever accomplished. ~

Just five days of moments.....

~ The last five days have left me speechless in so many ways. Five days ago or so, I gave up on facebook and other than sending a few messages, I have lived up to that. These are the things life has given me. Little gifts that have been handed over simply for living.

Spending a single hour in the snow building a snowman with my son.

Having a long lost friend pop up; after seventeen years. She wouldn't have had I not been outside. Finding out life has not been all that different for the two of us and now we are in similar places.

Bipolar mood swings and painful memories lead for interesting days that leave me drained but grateful for both pain and for numbness.

I watched as my daughter pulled a decent and strong research paper from within her. She struggled through like a champ, having no breakdowns and with smiles for both of us. That look of pride she had on her face was worth every second.

I accidentally died my hair purple. (oops) I forgot to account for being a blonde base now as opposed to the brown base a year ago.

I realized some exes you will never shake. You have always covered for them and tried to remind people there might still be reasons to believe in them. You have always given them the benefit of the doubt , long after they stopped deserving it. and one day you will be there to attend their deathbed. If you are not there, who will be? They have hurt so many that they tend to find themselves alone most of the time and letting someone die alone is not your style.

I love sitting among the cedars behind the house and the moss that grows along there is real thick and soft and it makes a lovely blanket to sit on.

 I realized that You must remind yourself occasionally of why an ex lover ever became a lover in the first place and stop reminding yourself of why they are now an ex.

I must think positively of those I can not speak to but not dwell on what keeps us apart.

As a writer (always at heart if not always by practice) sometimes I exhale into a character that is so raw that she scares me. I know that if my courage would hold out for a little longer, she would be my star  but the realism of the moment leaves me haunted and frightened of returning there.

Every time I fall off my Yoga mat I take a tumble in life too. I always go running back to Yoga and it has became so important for me to make sure my daughter sees me get to Kripalu.

I can't possibly quit smiling after writing this piece. ~

Ode to you....

I could have climbed you like a tree

and ate your face for dinner

The heart of a Buddhist

but the soul of a sinner

and survival is instinct

don't blink

and DONT hesitate to pull the trigger

Mockery, the tongue of fools

makes you stand, all ego

and claim your stick is bigger

may-be, baby

but tonight

my hatred is the winner

I want your face on that plate

where your mocking smile may linger.

and from behind empty eyes

A salute to you, my middle finger.

yesterday, very unexpectedly, my daughter looks at me and...
"mom"
What, baby"
" I love you"
and tonight I hug my son and hear " I love you mommy"

I could go to my grave after hearing those words from my children's mouth. Now maybe that is a morbid thought but it is a morbid world we live in. We are never granted another moment, let alone a day and my children's voices are sweeter than the sound of angels singing to me.

I believe God is an energy that surrounds us in our everyday moments. I send up thank you's, hopes, wishes, desires and a few kudos all throughout my day. I no longer feel the need to lay down at night and say a thirty minute prayer reiterating things I have already said. Last night was different. With a heavy heart and a very saturated soul I laid down and decided to pray. Just as I used to do, I started
"dear Lord, been a while (okay, so im a little rusty at it) but Im here. You know my beliefs have changed a bit but not my belief in you. I just don't feel the need for a one on one conversation with you right now...."
and it came like a shot in the dark, a voice saying
" because it is your time to listen, not your time to talk"

Thinking about this conversation today, I realize god wasn't just talking about himself here. Im so caught up on the internal, I have trouble paying attention to anything external. He's right, It is my time to shut up and listen. <bites tongue until it bleeds>

First Times

~ This is the first time I have looked out over this chasm of fear and doubt. The first time I have watched it fade into open air, sky and clouds. I have reached out my arms to soar and for the first time instead of scuttling on dead space to restore my grasp on life as it always has been, I dove towards Life as I want it to be. This is the first time I have not feared that I jumped out too far but instead asked myself  " Did I jump far enough?" Life is Good. ~