Ode to you....

I could have climbed you like a tree

and ate your face for dinner

The heart of a Buddhist

but the soul of a sinner

and survival is instinct

don't blink

and DONT hesitate to pull the trigger

Mockery, the tongue of fools

makes you stand, all ego

and claim your stick is bigger

may-be, baby

but tonight

my hatred is the winner

I want your face on that plate

where your mocking smile may linger.

and from behind empty eyes

A salute to you, my middle finger.

yesterday, very unexpectedly, my daughter looks at me and...
"mom"
What, baby"
" I love you"
and tonight I hug my son and hear " I love you mommy"

I could go to my grave after hearing those words from my children's mouth. Now maybe that is a morbid thought but it is a morbid world we live in. We are never granted another moment, let alone a day and my children's voices are sweeter than the sound of angels singing to me.

I believe God is an energy that surrounds us in our everyday moments. I send up thank you's, hopes, wishes, desires and a few kudos all throughout my day. I no longer feel the need to lay down at night and say a thirty minute prayer reiterating things I have already said. Last night was different. With a heavy heart and a very saturated soul I laid down and decided to pray. Just as I used to do, I started
"dear Lord, been a while (okay, so im a little rusty at it) but Im here. You know my beliefs have changed a bit but not my belief in you. I just don't feel the need for a one on one conversation with you right now...."
and it came like a shot in the dark, a voice saying
" because it is your time to listen, not your time to talk"

Thinking about this conversation today, I realize god wasn't just talking about himself here. Im so caught up on the internal, I have trouble paying attention to anything external. He's right, It is my time to shut up and listen. <bites tongue until it bleeds>

First Times

~ This is the first time I have looked out over this chasm of fear and doubt. The first time I have watched it fade into open air, sky and clouds. I have reached out my arms to soar and for the first time instead of scuttling on dead space to restore my grasp on life as it always has been, I dove towards Life as I want it to be. This is the first time I have not feared that I jumped out too far but instead asked myself  " Did I jump far enough?" Life is Good. ~

Acrophobia Down

~ Lately I have noticed my fear of heights has dissipated some. At first i thought this was odd but after considering it, I believe that Yoga, once again, is to thank for this. It has given me a feeling of being more grounded. More sure of my own balance, both inward and outward. More sure of my own step. I am appreciative. ~

Simple Love Story

I no longer recognize myself.
I no longer recognize my calves or my toes.
I no longer recognize my head or my breasts.
Or maybe it goes...
I finally recognize my self.
I finally recognize my calves and my toes.
I finally recognize my head and my breasts.
I finally said hello to me
and maybe... 
I liked what I saw
and on my yoga mat
I fell in love with me

til we meet again

~Who are we to judge a life's higher purpose? We as a society are governed by man made laws, judges and jurors who do not even have sit on the bench to reach a verdict. We are governed by our media, our politicians and our emotions. The spiritual and mystical realms are not governed by these things and we often find them scary and harsh. But often the things we deem as tragic endings can be, in actuality, beautiful new beginnings for those involved.~

Much love and positive memories,
Til we meet again, friend.

Mindy

The poems from the past few days are simply my process to understanding a friends suicide. They are in no way a reflection of how I feel about my personal situation. In fact this process of creative madness has indeed helped deal with this news in a constructive way versus my usual, shutting down.
Thank you
Min

Dead pools of black iris'

Dead pools of black iris
swimming lifeless in a soulless gaze
a mediocre daydream
that bore no ripple
across the glassy phase
those eyes
they called out in need
to save a little face
don't worry baby
I'll be your dark angel
I am your saving grace
A one way ticket home
on a hell train
outta this place
you can thank me on the other side
Now you lie back
and lean on me babe
and in a dark heart, artistic slumber
you'll move on
and I'll fade away

Baby rode side car
she was already damned
with flames of molten love stained wounds
demons in bottles
that stood in her stead
One pistol shot
and a thousand holes of suicide
residing in your head
There's your ticket mam
One free ride
to the other side
Beneath a pretty willow
slide back into your wedding band
Arm in Arm
with your vessel watching
go be with your man
for on this earth
your lover knew
that you were already dead

I open my eyes
to Truth in the Morning
the Sun of the Son
Dressed up as Death and Rebirth
Disguised as Love
A Sleepless nights' bad Dream
is Not always a warning
and death, though sad
not always for Mourning
sometimes
it's an Expression of a Means
of something much more profound
a secret that Lies between
a  magical meditation
between Lovers
in Two Separate worlds
with misunderstood Needs
But the Sun
is always There
to guide Lovers home
and Bad dreams
are just Truths
making themselves known
there will always be
a vicious Assumption
that bears death's door
but the candle
in That window
was there long before
and it burned beautiful flames 
of molten hot love
and still Flickers in death
the truth between two Souls
Two energies
intertwined forevermore

heartbreak

~ Sometimes a Loves support only goes as far as the situations convenience in their life. Their doubts become your doubts. Their fears become your fears. I have a lot of strength to get back now. I have a lot more soul searching to do. I will find the answers on my mat. I hope they work for all but I must be true to me right now. I have always been true to Love and supportive of decisions made. I have the worst feeling in my gut about this. Is that feeling really mine or just my emotional manifestation of his fear? ~

Your Masterpiece

~ Imagine yourself stepping into a blank canvas. Step by step your thoughts form the painted world in which you roam. We create that which we find our mind lurking in. What does the masterpiece you're walking in look like? Is it one you want to hang on your wall? ~

Misery to True Love and never back again....

~ I use to blame others for my misery. Pointing my finger in their direction because they did not accept me as i was, they could not love me as I was or they did not understand me as I was. The truth of it: there was NEVER anyone else to blame for my misery. I never loved me. I never loved me because I did not know me. I did not know me because I never took the time to get to know me, therefore I NEVER understood me. Since I did not understand myself, it was impossible for me to accept myself. I still struggle. I believe it will always be so for admittedly imperfect people. If perfection were so easy, peace would be already a mainstay in this world. It is in fighting through imperfection that I have now discovered me. Discovered my weaknesses. My strengths. It is in fighting through imperfection that I discovered and got to know the darkness that resides in my heart. It is in fighting through imperfection that I discovered Love. True Love. Of me. Of the divine. Of others.~

Not sure why but sure of the way

~ I no longer remember what brought me to Yoga. A need to control the chaos in my bipolar mind I think but I am honestly just not sure. I was ready. I was ready to embrace my breath. I was ready to embrace the strength I had hidden deep inside, that which may chase the darkness of my brain away. I met a woman residing in my soul where as I rarely even felt human before. Now there are so many processes going on in my mind and in my spirit, I can't keep up with all of them. Some I post here, most I keep for me. Some are happy, almost common sense type awakenings, that leave me wondering why I never understood before. Others, they take you there. Down into the darkness of your heart and your memory. They dissect you and pull out the bad, transform it into a positive and throw it to the wind like celebration confetti. Wherever the pieces of your soul land, let them do as they may. I now know my way and for once it is a well lit path for me and not full of doubts, questions or fear but excitement, love, peace and an honoring of myself...because I deserve it.~