My Loves

they have ten fingers
and they have ten toes
they don't know anger
they carry no morose
their eyes still bright
cheeks still of rose
they still laugh
til milk spills from their nose
they don't understand hate
they don't understand loathe
they still know to play
and still dream grandiose
they still talk sweetly
and carry so much hope
they don't yet carry worry
and still know how to joke
they are my beautiful children
and my one reason to boast
they are the reason I'm here
they are my home
they are the reason i change
they are the reason i grow.
yes my beautiful children
are the reason I'm whole

Last Breath

You've not known a soul

until you've known the lack of one

Glaring into emptiness

two minutes, maybe less

after last breath

there was nothing

...there was just nothing

Shadow cast

She's a Bitch
She's a Witch
she's a little bewitching
and she's itching
to gain control
of her femininity
She's a woman
STRONG
holding steadfast
to the nipples on her breast
and screaming her rage
out into this world
trying to find her place
among ALL those roles
that she must play
while squeezing her uterus 
into a size 6 waist
sometimes happy
but mostly pissed
at the ugliness 
she sees in this world
the vile that she must face
pretending to hold solid
behind a veil of lace
her voice
her say
silently her words fall 
because the only shadow here is her
and the anger within
is the lamp 
that cast her on that wall.

Let your spirit weep
to the tune of the blues
happiness shall sleep
and dream
in delusional hues
and to survive
every word man needs a muse

cry for it baby,
this simple little piece your missing
with religious undertones
the serpent at your feet is hissing
a clever little hymn
to the tune of the blues

Feast upon it
for if what the serpent says is true
it is the sweetness of knowing
that is forbidden
not the sweetness
of the fruit.

Missing You

A pair

of perfectly placed spectacles

provoking my mind 

back 

to the preoccupation 

of you

and the pleasant perfection

of your personal paraphernalia

perched beside

my paraffin stained scribbles

of poetry night

Young Love

Lazy

crazy

dazey

days

of Summer dances

on warm asphalt

beneath 

bare feet

sweet kisses

against 

young lips

and natural highs

echoing

on the breeze

of 

cool nights

The Mad Hatter Knows

The Mad Hatter 

is alive and well 

and taking Tea in my head

from across the oblong table

he addresses me

in Alice's stead

" art is just one's soul in Technicolor form"

he says with his pinky in the air

and a vacant stare

and I wonder for a moment

if there isn't really something there

and I think on the queen

with her hearts and roses of red

aggression in her heart

anger in her head

the white rabbits in hurry

but to make it ...where?

and the Cheshire cat

just smoked a doobie

 and just doesn't care

and each one stands out

as if they 

really are there

but the mad hatter speaks easy

from across the table

in his high back chair

"you may think me crazy girl

but i know your secret"

and he looks at me 

with icy stare

" You left your confidence years ago

laid it down and don't know where"

Alcoholic

You have lost your allure

no longer the sexy beast

Ha! but a fool

with a drunk's feast

upon his lips

    upon his skin

steeped in rude

Your behavior crude,

lewd and toxic....

a waste.

smeared across your face

in the form of last night's dinner

but still yet

you awake in the morning

mourning

for the brain cells

your soul ate last night

and you tell yourself your still

" A good boy"

Composition

Slide your finger tips
across my strings
slip, slide down
into the sacrificial sanctuary
of my senses
I'm tuned in
to the strumming
- of my sexuality
it's strength is beating
competing
with the pounding
of my fool's heart
on all sides of this instrument
and you can create
and play
slow -steady-chords
that leave your fingers
itching and twitching
for more
 more of my skin
beneath their callused tips
or do you go for
fast heady sessions
that leave you bruised
and begging, begging for me
and squeeze
tighter
and hold onto your insides
but please, oh please
let your senses lead
the ride
and work this carnal composition
until your satisfied.
and finished.

Strange Hypnotic Notes are lulling my brain 

into cruise control

When all it want

is to hold onto this anger

and play in my rage like a child in a puddle

but instead, I huddle in this corner chair

Duct taping my mouth

and not saying how I feel

until, inhale.1..2..3..exhale, 

until the moment has passed

the anger is gone

calmness takes over

and I don't dislike you anymore.

I offer you a trade

for days now I have been asking " God, where is my strength? Where has my fight gone?" and for days he has whispered the answer in my ear. I found it just where he said I would and just where I left it, on my Yoga mat. On my Yoga Mat I connected with my brutal warrior and let God have my fears.

bow before your executioner
let him take out your heart
daddy issues, brother saves
and now your love falls apart.
You would have rolled into your grave
bearing witness from the start
in his eyes 
where cruelty lies
vying for the mark
Take aim
with your words
shoot an arrow
or a spark
light the fire
that destroys control
and lights up the dark

Manipulation, stalking and abuse 101

~ Im writing everything down. Mainly to process the memories and begin to heal. The other night I sat down pen to paper and scene by scene, i wrote down the first fourteen months or so that I knew him. It went from our first meeting and included all the "bad moments" through the very beginning of our time together.
I went back and read it and there it was in black and white....It read like a textbook on manipulation. Manipulation, stalking and abuse 101. I felt sad. I felt angry too but I felt more sad. How could that seventeen year old version of me NOT see it? How could I let myself live with the things that he did? Im even more disgusted by my answer to both of those.......Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of failure. Take your pick. It ruled my life for a long time. I call the writings " the Gross Notes" for they often make me want to vomit. ~

Little Girl Lost

little girl lost
in the dark and long ago
left with the monsters
under her bed
or maybe they were in it
and she screamed
but there was no answer
so in her silence she became a neurotic
a quiet neurotic
with silent addictions
and vocal admissions
that were too much for her mother's ears
that fed her father’s fears
and all fell upon
the deafness of her families ears
so she sat
and she twiddled her thumbs for control
and she vomited the anxiety from her gut
claiming ‘a flu”
but she knew
the monsters were calling
and even if sleep came
they would still be waiting
in the morning
sitting upon wet grass
to greet her with the morning dew
and at night in the mornings stead
they would be there
lurking in her bed
and before long
she was no longer
that little girl lost
she was
a little girl gone
no longer visible in normalcy
but lost, taken over
now belonging to OCD

A reminder of Loves

you know what i love?

IVY- for teaching me about so many things. QUINTON - for being my light in the darkness and pulling me out. DOUG-for being my ROCK.YOGA. My Yoga Logo at the top of this page. the fact that I drew that tree. jasmin tea and earl grey tea. the sound of a river or stream. a fountain will do nicely too. the smell of honeysuckle. to look at the stars. to finish a cardio work out.coffee. fresh foods. sugar. daisies. accomplishment. smiles from the eyes - you know those are real.  I Love the act of loving. mustachio cat. meso cat. writing. writing it all out and getting it right. animal crossing the game. colors. colors, colors and more colors. My MOM. giving birth. being mom. cooking a really healthy meal. Talking to old friends. meeting a new friend. having a REAL friendship full of RESPECT with my 16 year old daughter. MY DAD. MY SISTER. Being creative. Making things with my hands. being open to the many possibilities of this magnificent universe. Maple Trees. MY BROTHER. MY IN LAWS- each are their very own wonderfully fabulous person to me. My girl friends. Having a therapist. being surrounded by green. staring up at the stars. remembering how very special my bond with my husband is. Kindred Spirits, hiking. camping in comfortable weather. fishing. planting flowers. searching for four leaf clovers. listening to MUSIC. the old way my dad would bar-b-q his chicken. what zen leaves you with. pop ice in the summer. fruit snacks anytime. The MAGIC of CHRISTMAS. Willow Trees.Twinkle lights. My friend Joe Goodman -because he is a big ol bundle of awesome. Seeing people make awesome changes in their lives. my friend Jessica Fisher Ritch received positive news. Lillie Miller Nestor is so pleased with her new job. Deanna Weeks McKinney-You are BEAUTIFUL and my number two rock. meeting someone new and shaking hands with their soul. believing in peace, love and happiness. the power to heal and hold my head up high because you did not break me.